It is widely assumed that Roger Goodell and the NFL will release an anti-bullying policy in reaction to this year’s highly publicized ‘Jonathan Martin / Richie Incognito / Miami Dolphins’ situation.
Roger has several other major scandals to play Monday Morning Quarterback for, so I figured I would lend a hand.
Roger, I’ve taken the liberty of writing your anti-bullying policy for you. For the last eight years, I feel that I have come to learn exactly how you operate. I am confident that I can speak in your voice. All you have to do is read this statement at a press conference. I have also translated it from corporate speak into English for everyone.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I’d like to thank you for gathering today. We’re here to talk about a very serious problem – bullying.
Are you f*@#ing kidding me? Seriously? Bullying? This is football we’re talking about, right?
The NFL represents the American Dream. Young athletes, through hard work and dedication, earn their place as professional football players and get paid to play a game that they love.
Football is for TOUGH people. Not SISSYS.
At all levels, football is a game of equality. Each one of the twenty-two players on the field has a chance to make an impact on every play.
Well, maybe not the weak-hearted kids. We normally put them on the offensive line when they’re young, like Jonathan Tissue-Paper-Soft Martin. Real gangstas play D-FENZ.
Likewise, on and off the field, in practice and during the games, it is our duty to foster an environment of equality.
If you’re not willing to kill or be killed, you’re never going to make it.
Unfortunately sometimes, situations arise that get out of hand. Emotions take control and replace better judgment.
Yeah, it’s called hazing and every rookie gets it all day long, since the beginning of time.
As the worldwide leader in sport, it’s the job of the NFL to be the beacon of responsibility to the rest of the football world.
We’re filthy rich, so, we have to make speeches like this. But we’ll just continue to permit hazing six months from now, after the media backs off. You know, like they did after Sandy Hook. Everyone was all “NO MORE GUNS!!! GUN LEGISLATION NOW!!!” But nothing really changed. You’ll forget about this by next season.
That’s why as of today, I am instituting a new Anti-Bullying Policy effective immediately for the 2014 NFL season. It has been unanimously agreed to by all thirty-two team owners.
I asked them to please vote yes so I would look like a really strong leader. That asshole Zygi Wilf made me promise to lend him my yacht for a month to get it done.
From this day forward, any verified incidence of bullying will result in immediate indefinite suspension without pay by the league office. Players will have the ability to report bullying anonymously.
We’ll also be sending out a secret memo to all the head coaches and union player representatives about what we really want them to do, which is keep hazing and bullying quiet this year, but go back to it full speed next year. We can’t have wimps in our league.
It is my greatest hope that bullying is never seen again in the NFL, and that we set an example for football teams, sports, and young people everywhere. Thank you.
What time is that congressional hearing on alleged concussion cover-ups again?