Outside my local post office today, a scraggly looking man asked me for a favor. He didn’t have any money for a stamp, so he asked me to post this letter on my blog instead. It is written to Daniel Snyder, the owner of the NFL’s Washington Redskins. Please forward it to him if you can.
Dear Mr. Snyder, In sports, there is often public outcry for firings, financial maneuvers, and other managerial action to be taken. Yet the public rarely offers valid suggestions for what to do; mostly they criticize. As the leader of a large organization myself, I empathize. I know that you cannot simply remove the racially charged epithet ‘Redskins’ without valid plan to replace it. Here is what I recommend, in my humble opinion: Rename the team the Washington JewNoses. You cite the Redskins eighty-one years of tradition as reason not to change. Yet the term Redskins has come under fire lately, drawing attention from President Obama himself, among others. It is highly taboo to slur Native Americans right now, considering that we only decimated their people about 300 years ago. Jew bashing, on the other hand, has never really gone out of style for the last 2,000 years. What richer tradition than that could your fans aspire to hold on to? You recall the emotions of going to your first NFL game at the age of six, with the crowd roaring and gasping in unison. I submit that you can only add to that level of excitement with an unlimited number of possible Jew hating promotions. Fans could kick field goals between Jew horns at halftime, for example. Being a Jew yourself, I don’t see how anyone else could criticize you further. It would put an end to the matter of public pressure. The Hogettes would not have to change their costume. With the NFL’s domestic market being tapped nearly to capacity, you would be planting grassroots seeds of interest for the team to move overseas, to Iran. Your social media team could increase fan interaction by having a contest to come up with new lyrics for “Hail to the Redskins.” Over 90% of people who do not find the term ‘Redskins’ offensive also do not think the Holocaust occurred, so they will still be on our side. JewNoses are kosher, they cook nicely on a Foreman grill in a parking lot, and they are also Gluten Free, so you can sell them inside the stadium without any allergy concerns. In conclusion, it’s time to give the Injuns a break and shift our racism over to a group that really deserves it. Few people could argue with that. Do not worry about being blacklisted in Hollywood, I have my own production company. My doors are open any time for you. Sincerely, Mel Gibson Grand-Master of the KKK & Default Premier of the National Socialist Party of Germany PS: If JewNoses is trademarked, you can always go with Washington Ni**erLips.-
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Matt Fried 